I'm Pretending Not To See Them And Instead I Pour The Milk

It had been months since I was with a woman and I was starting to realize it. It's easy to forget about women when you don't have one. Even easier to let the drink and pen replace them. When I took the first sip of my whiskey and coke I immediately wondered why I thought I needed someone in my bed tonight.

My roommate Russ had just left to go and pick up a woman at the airport who was staying us for the weekend. It amazed me that there were women willing to travel across the country for some cock. I knew of women that wanted to come and visit me only when they had plans to be and the area and a few had wanted me to come see them as well, but that wasn't this time. No, this was time of depression and loneliness. I was broke but Russ and I's bar was stocked and I was taking full advantage.

I was actually surprised that Russ was having this woman stay with us. The last few girls he was with, the steady ones not the girls he would fuck for a night, ended up making passes at me. He saw this when it happened but I was beating up on myself too much to care about their advances. Those girls didn't stay around very long.

I was walking around with my glass listening to Warren Zevon, trying to spruce up the place. I like to do what I can to make the best first impression, but as I finished my first drink and made my second, I abandoned the cleaning and picked up the pen.

I started working on a short story about a man who goes home for his five year high school reunion. I had this vision of a game board and everyone spinning the board to see where they end up but not Ryan, the man in the story. No, he rolls the die and moves along the board. In the end it was all about luck but at least Ryan wasn't being luck's bitch.

I wrote and drank and smoked for a good hour then got up for a good stretch and went outside, cigarette hanging from my lip. I looked hard out into the parking lot and watched the lights come and go. They reminded me of Danielle and Alex and Joan and Nadia. I took a long drag of my cigarette and as I coughed I felt my heart wither. I hunched over stopping the water from forming in the corners of my eyes.

I went back inside, this time pouring shot after shot of whiskey. Five shots in, I heard Russ opening the door. I went straight to the bathroom to piss, my bladder would have exploded right there if I hadn't. I came out a few minutes later and Russ introduced me to Janie. She wasn't that attractive, not thick but big, and she was way to shy and passive for my taste. When I extended my hand to shake hers, it felt limp. Our hands touched and she quickly pulled away. I was going to have to break her in. I hate it when people are uptight or reserve with me. Thinking they have something to protect. Some face to save, but I see past it. I'm sure she is a good person deep down inside but that doesn't allow them to slide past. It never allowed me to slide so I don't accept it as an excuse.

I talk with Janie and Russ for awhile and they entertain me like they are entertaining any drunk off the street. I ramble, I ask questions that receive little response. They stare uncomfortably at me, they believe me to be but I am collected the entire time. I know they want me to go to bed; they want to explore each other and Janie doesn't want to be judged.

After about forty five minutes of me interrogating Janie she finally gives me a straight answer and I respect her for it, leaving her alone. Russ closes the curtains that separate our room and I undress in the dark. Before my clothes are off, I can already hear Janie moaning. I listen for awhile; she is really exciting when turned on and I can tell Russ was a wise choice at this point in her life. She needed this.

I lay in bed and stare at the ceiling. Janie continues to get louder and louder then climaxes. She then becomes soft, her moans are more intimate but a few minutes later they intensify again.

Finally, I pick up my iPod and cell phone. I put the ear buds in and begin slowly searching through a playlist that is labeled "Heaven Ain't Close" and prepare text message to good friend and ex-fuck-buddy, Ashley. She is one of the three people still on my side in the game of life, that will still listen to me. I send the following text as I hit play on the Smith's "Asleep."

Just know I respect and trust you the most. You are my emotional dumping ground and that may be wrong but I have never felt so alone than tonight. I don't want you, one of your friends or a lost love. I just want to not be alone tonight. I just don't want that and it means being the asshole I usually am because I don't want to subject any woman to this lifestyle. For the first time in a very long time, I need a friend.