The Asshole

The Asshole. I branded myself this years ago and no one knew why. I was such a sweet kid back then. Filled with hopes and dreams, I grabbed life by the horns and got whatever I could out of it. If only I had known that all I was taking were the hopes and dreams of others, trying to mend my broken heart and shattered soul.

I always thought that the problem was that I couldn’t forget my love but the reality of it all was that all I remembered was how to love. I chased unsuccessfully for years the mirage in my mind; her and I with our two kids, the dog and the white picket fence. To ensure I never lost it, I continued to fuck whoever would have me. At first they were just women looking for only the physical but as that well dried up, I had to work a little harder, be a little sweeter.

Another year of breaking hearts finally came to a close when I found a woman that I could truly love. We connected on every level and it was bliss. For once I was happy. Then somewhere down the line we fell into a routine and I fell into the only thing I knew, being an asshole.

We were weeks from getting married when I told her I didn’t want to anymore. Marriage scared me, made me think it was the end of my days and I was only twenty two at the time. I thought I had a lot more life ahead of me. So I broke it off, broke her heart, broke her soul. I was the Asshole again.

It was back to fucking women over and over again. They were like all the easy ones I started with so I didn’t have to worry about breaking hearts and that made it a little easier on my conscience. Then my love returned. We talked about good days, but before I could ask her about our future my only means of communication died on me and I was left with months of silence, months of warming my bed with another woman or another drink.

Finally I arrived in Louisiana and was trying to get my life back on track, but decided it wasn’t the right time. Using my usual self-loathing and asshole nature I was able land what I needed but found that the bottle was so much easier than dealing with stupid women. I had no patience for them and decided I was better off helping those around me either fuck their way to the end of days or find their true love since I was qualified for both.

Winter came though and alcohol was not enough for me to stay warm and I sought shelter elsewhere. Meeting women with my charming self I was irresistible, and they ate it up. I eventually showed them that I was the Asshole I told them I was, the one they thought they could change. I never let them in, never gave them a chance.

So now here I sit. I have a few women that I care about back home, and I am not sure why. Yet, I also have a few women around that see me as the Prince Charming, they haven’t found out yet but they will soon enough, once I get what I need. I don’t want to hurt the ones I care about, they are special to me and I want them to know that, but I know we will find ourselves in one big stinking mess soon enough and that sucks. At first, it was this, knowing how everything was going to end, that made me realize that I am an Asshole, but then I looked a little more closely at myself. Yeah, I’m a dick for letting these women who care for me and that I care for get hurt, I stand behind that, but it is not what makes me an Asshole. No, I am an Asshole because I know all this, have the power to change, yet her I sit, drinking my beer and letting it all play out.