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When all you have is your past to remember, it is hard to comprehend the idea of other people's lives moving forward. You sit down at your computer and let a slide show of your closest friends play across the screen, drink from your tall glass of whiskey and get excited about going home and getting back on track with where you left off the last time you were home.
So long ago.
Then as the slide show finishes and you kill the rest of the whiskey, you decide to catch up with a good friend from back home. Sure, you don't have a lot of friends but absence creates them as time goes on. Most of them just want to have an excuse to be crazy and have a wild time. Others are looking to recapture that same past you yearn for and yet, every one misses it all.
The crazy moments are constant, the drinks never seem to end and the pussy is always wet, and there you sit. You're not hungover because you stay drunk during your entire visit, you just feel like shit though. Sitting there with another tall whiskey you try to figure out how you got here, a tourist in your hometown. How did a life that was planned so well do a complete one-eighty and fuck you in the ass?
Before you knew you were leaving this town, you knew how the next five years would be. Then your stupid ass wanted to change it up, live life, see the world and be apart of something big. And that is all you are left with.
Now, whenever someone mentions your high school sweetheart you don't say "Damn, I should see how she is doing," instead you wonder what she has been up to and let her memory fade to the back of your mind. It's the same thing with any other woman you loved after her. They are all a memory, either a good one, a bad one, a kinky one it doesn't matter what kind of memory it is, they all leave you feeling the same way, lonesome.
You remember the ones you were sure would have worked out for the best, the ones that you thought would still be there when you finally returned home to settle down. Instead, they have faded away. Moved on for better things you are sure and you feel good knowing that they are happy because you know that you would have been an asshole. Sure there are still a few good women out there that would love to spend the rest of their lives with you, but you don't want them because you don't want to add another heartbreak to the trophy case.
So you finish another drink, decide that it is time to lay down and pray for three things; a woman to pass the time with, that you are drunk when you awake and that your days are almost over.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
The Life Of A Time Capsule
In every free world sits a man. He sits and reads, sometimes he finds himself in the middle of a crowd, knowing not a single soul in the group yet feels connected to them more than his mother.
Some believe he drinks because they drink. Others believe that drinking is the only thing he has going for him. Sadly though, they are what keeps him going.
He used to know these faces. What would make them laugh, their beliefs about God and politics. But now, he just recognizes the faces as an object of the past.
He drinks because he doesn't want the latest and greatest version of his memories. He wants that childhood sweetness, that innocence. Instead he gets their reality. The one they won't take responsibility for. So he accepts their punishments and hates himself.
Five years ago, he didn't give two shits about this life. Now older, he can't help but feel a sadness. Then to feel their sadness as well, well, it gets to be to much.
So why does he drink? Because no one else will. Call him Jesus Christ, but he will take away any responsibility you think you might have. He has been doing it for years. It is who he has become. To ask him if he is sure is an insult.
Some believe he drinks because they drink. Others believe that drinking is the only thing he has going for him. Sadly though, they are what keeps him going.
He used to know these faces. What would make them laugh, their beliefs about God and politics. But now, he just recognizes the faces as an object of the past.
He drinks because he doesn't want the latest and greatest version of his memories. He wants that childhood sweetness, that innocence. Instead he gets their reality. The one they won't take responsibility for. So he accepts their punishments and hates himself.
Five years ago, he didn't give two shits about this life. Now older, he can't help but feel a sadness. Then to feel their sadness as well, well, it gets to be to much.
So why does he drink? Because no one else will. Call him Jesus Christ, but he will take away any responsibility you think you might have. He has been doing it for years. It is who he has become. To ask him if he is sure is an insult.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
A Sobering Lesson On Why You Should Drink
It was this past Friday and I was at the bar on post for a farewell to one of our units that is leaving for Korea. Usually people of my rank (lower enlisted) and social status (WTF Weird Guy) are not at these functions, but since I was needed there for photos, it was okay with everyone.
I put on a nice suit, pocket square included, and rode down there with my soldier, Cook to take photos then drink. There was to be a good group of people there and sure to be a good time. We waited around for our colonel and general who was visiting. When they finally arrived we snapped photos for about twenty minutes and went to the bar to get a drink we both were dying for.
We set ourselves up near the pool table and bought each other beer after beer, people stopping by to tell us both how well dressed we were. I don't want to brag but she only looked as good as she did because she was next to me. I was that damn good looking.
Anyways, after about three beers or so, we had to go take more photos. We broke up the monotony with cigarettes and a shot here and there from one of the NCOs in my unit. Every now and then I would wander off to shoot the shit with some guys I know, trying to make the night interesting. When I went up to the bar, the one NCO was there with all the Miller Light Girls and we did shots of tequila out of their tits. Then, the two oddest things happened. My commander fucked me with her eyes and a voiced told me "to get my skinny ass over here." At first I was confused and thought the commander told me to come over but I realized the voice came from behind me.
It was Laurie, my favorite bartender who I had not seen in almost six months. I was going to by a beer but some major bought me one instead. I talked to Laurie for a little bit, found out she was pregnant and things were going pretty well with work despite working two horrible jobs, the bar and a cell phone company.
I realized I was ignoring Cook, so I told her I would see her around and we would catch up some more. I didn't see her for the rest of the night. When I got back to Cook she was finishing her beer and said she her husband would be picking her up in a few minutes. So we chatted a few more minutes then she left. Then, us boys got together and shit got fun.
Outside I continued to drink. The sergeant I know devised a plan for us and my OIC to hook up with the Miller Light Girls. Cool but then ten minutes later he is in the parking lot with all three of them fooling around. Fuck it. So I continue to drink.
When sergeant come back my OIC and I confront him and he just laughs. I tell him that is fucked up but shit, I would have done the same. He tells me I shouldn't care, I should just fuck Cook.
And that is where the story becomes a blur. Throughout the night that is the main topic of discussion when people actually talk to me. For the most part I just sit back and watch. At one point I try to confirm whether or not one of the female officers in my unit is a lesbian. She is not and I am somewhat disappointed.
More beers are consumed and plans begin to be made to head over to a karaoke bar. Every one gets ready to go. I look at the parking lot, drunk and content that it is still light out. I am reminded of when I first came to Fort Sill and would get a good midday drunk going while inprocessing. Good times.
Then I black out, or should I say, time travel. Next thing I know, I am sitting at the bar in the Impact Zone, the other bar on post. I chat with a bartender there and decide that I need to go. I pay my tab and walk back to my room.
Now for the twist. I awake around 1030 the next day and I feel good. Really, really good. I sit up in my bed and see I have few text messages and missed calls. I was texting some one last night. I read the first text message, "Way not cool messages to send. -Cook" What? I go to my sent messages.
Oh, shit. I was texting her everything we were saying. Everything about how that sergeant said I should fuck her, how people were surprised we weren't fucking already. All I could think was that I was fucked. I walked around my room for a good hour cursing myself. I knew I had to apologize but was to embarassed to call, texting seemed a little to high schoolish, so I decided to email a professional apology, but first I needed a drink.
I went and picked up a case of beer. When I got back to my room I surfed around on the net, drank and figured out what I was going to say. Then a knock at my door. It was Jackson wanting to know if I wanted to go the strip club with them. Fuck it, the apology could wait.
So we went out, drank, bought some lap dances, drank, joked, drank and got some Taco Bell. It was a good night but reminded me of how much fun I could have had if I were in Germany or if the bars never closed around here.
So I went back to my room and had a few more beers and went to bed. I couldn't apologize for my drunken text messages with a drunken email.
That morning I got up and composed my apology but didn't send it right away. Later that evening I sent the email. I followed the email with a text message apologizing and saying to check her email for a formal apology.
In the email I offered to leave the office it work was to uncomfortable and that she had every reason to hate me. I was dumb. All night I was worried about the outcome, not because it could be bad but because I didn't know what it was. I stayed up all night and finally went to PT.
I avoided all contact, not wanting to push my luck and have a huge scene blow up in front of everybody. Then in the middle of formation a tap on my elbow. It was Cook and all she said was, "We're good." I was clear. I felt good.
Now I know what you are thinking, "Joe, you lucked out. You could have been fucked." Well you are right I could be in a lot of shit but I am not. I beat the odds, lucked out, it doesn't matter. Nothing bad happened and it feels good.
So the lesson from all of this. If you are going to go out and drink, don't take your cellphone. Seriously, it is 2009, every one you hang out with has a cell phone. If you need get a cab or you are in trouble, they got you covered. Even if you are like myself and like to drink in a bar alone, the bartender will have no problem calling you a cab. This is the only way you will not get drunk and make a deadly mistake with your phone.
One last thing that did come from last Friday, apparently my sergeant heard I was pretty drunk and came to my room and checked on me. He told me about this Monday morning and said I was pretty fucked up but saw that I was fine. I don't ever remember him coming by. He said it was around 2am when he stopped by. I want to ask him one question but know it will fuck up our work relationship and some things are better left unsaid, but when I woke up on Saturday, I was naked. I hope that wasn't an odd conversation.
And now a poem by Charles Bukowski:
Roll the Dice
if you’re going to try, go all the
way.
otherwise, don’t even start.
if you’re going to try, go all the
way. this could mean losing girlfriends,
wives, relatives, jobs and
maybe your mind.
go all the way.
it could mean not eating for 3 or
4 days.
it could mean freezing on a
park bench.
it could mean jail,
it could mean derision,
mockery,
isolation.
isolation is the gift,
all the others are a test of your
endurance, of
how much you really want to
do it.
and you’ll do it
despite rejection and the
worst odds
and it will be better than
anything else
you can imagine.
if you’re going to try,
go all the way.
there is no other feeling like
that.
you will be alone with the
gods
and the nights will flame with
fire.
do it, do it, do it.
do it.
all the way
all the way.
you will ride life straight to
perfect laughter,
it’s the only good fight
there is.
I put on a nice suit, pocket square included, and rode down there with my soldier, Cook to take photos then drink. There was to be a good group of people there and sure to be a good time. We waited around for our colonel and general who was visiting. When they finally arrived we snapped photos for about twenty minutes and went to the bar to get a drink we both were dying for.
We set ourselves up near the pool table and bought each other beer after beer, people stopping by to tell us both how well dressed we were. I don't want to brag but she only looked as good as she did because she was next to me. I was that damn good looking.
Anyways, after about three beers or so, we had to go take more photos. We broke up the monotony with cigarettes and a shot here and there from one of the NCOs in my unit. Every now and then I would wander off to shoot the shit with some guys I know, trying to make the night interesting. When I went up to the bar, the one NCO was there with all the Miller Light Girls and we did shots of tequila out of their tits. Then, the two oddest things happened. My commander fucked me with her eyes and a voiced told me "to get my skinny ass over here." At first I was confused and thought the commander told me to come over but I realized the voice came from behind me.
It was Laurie, my favorite bartender who I had not seen in almost six months. I was going to by a beer but some major bought me one instead. I talked to Laurie for a little bit, found out she was pregnant and things were going pretty well with work despite working two horrible jobs, the bar and a cell phone company.
I realized I was ignoring Cook, so I told her I would see her around and we would catch up some more. I didn't see her for the rest of the night. When I got back to Cook she was finishing her beer and said she her husband would be picking her up in a few minutes. So we chatted a few more minutes then she left. Then, us boys got together and shit got fun.
Outside I continued to drink. The sergeant I know devised a plan for us and my OIC to hook up with the Miller Light Girls. Cool but then ten minutes later he is in the parking lot with all three of them fooling around. Fuck it. So I continue to drink.
When sergeant come back my OIC and I confront him and he just laughs. I tell him that is fucked up but shit, I would have done the same. He tells me I shouldn't care, I should just fuck Cook.
And that is where the story becomes a blur. Throughout the night that is the main topic of discussion when people actually talk to me. For the most part I just sit back and watch. At one point I try to confirm whether or not one of the female officers in my unit is a lesbian. She is not and I am somewhat disappointed.
More beers are consumed and plans begin to be made to head over to a karaoke bar. Every one gets ready to go. I look at the parking lot, drunk and content that it is still light out. I am reminded of when I first came to Fort Sill and would get a good midday drunk going while inprocessing. Good times.
Then I black out, or should I say, time travel. Next thing I know, I am sitting at the bar in the Impact Zone, the other bar on post. I chat with a bartender there and decide that I need to go. I pay my tab and walk back to my room.
Now for the twist. I awake around 1030 the next day and I feel good. Really, really good. I sit up in my bed and see I have few text messages and missed calls. I was texting some one last night. I read the first text message, "Way not cool messages to send. -Cook" What? I go to my sent messages.
Oh, shit. I was texting her everything we were saying. Everything about how that sergeant said I should fuck her, how people were surprised we weren't fucking already. All I could think was that I was fucked. I walked around my room for a good hour cursing myself. I knew I had to apologize but was to embarassed to call, texting seemed a little to high schoolish, so I decided to email a professional apology, but first I needed a drink.
I went and picked up a case of beer. When I got back to my room I surfed around on the net, drank and figured out what I was going to say. Then a knock at my door. It was Jackson wanting to know if I wanted to go the strip club with them. Fuck it, the apology could wait.
So we went out, drank, bought some lap dances, drank, joked, drank and got some Taco Bell. It was a good night but reminded me of how much fun I could have had if I were in Germany or if the bars never closed around here.
So I went back to my room and had a few more beers and went to bed. I couldn't apologize for my drunken text messages with a drunken email.
That morning I got up and composed my apology but didn't send it right away. Later that evening I sent the email. I followed the email with a text message apologizing and saying to check her email for a formal apology.
In the email I offered to leave the office it work was to uncomfortable and that she had every reason to hate me. I was dumb. All night I was worried about the outcome, not because it could be bad but because I didn't know what it was. I stayed up all night and finally went to PT.
I avoided all contact, not wanting to push my luck and have a huge scene blow up in front of everybody. Then in the middle of formation a tap on my elbow. It was Cook and all she said was, "We're good." I was clear. I felt good.
Now I know what you are thinking, "Joe, you lucked out. You could have been fucked." Well you are right I could be in a lot of shit but I am not. I beat the odds, lucked out, it doesn't matter. Nothing bad happened and it feels good.
So the lesson from all of this. If you are going to go out and drink, don't take your cellphone. Seriously, it is 2009, every one you hang out with has a cell phone. If you need get a cab or you are in trouble, they got you covered. Even if you are like myself and like to drink in a bar alone, the bartender will have no problem calling you a cab. This is the only way you will not get drunk and make a deadly mistake with your phone.
One last thing that did come from last Friday, apparently my sergeant heard I was pretty drunk and came to my room and checked on me. He told me about this Monday morning and said I was pretty fucked up but saw that I was fine. I don't ever remember him coming by. He said it was around 2am when he stopped by. I want to ask him one question but know it will fuck up our work relationship and some things are better left unsaid, but when I woke up on Saturday, I was naked. I hope that wasn't an odd conversation.
And now a poem by Charles Bukowski:
Roll the Dice
if you’re going to try, go all the
way.
otherwise, don’t even start.
if you’re going to try, go all the
way. this could mean losing girlfriends,
wives, relatives, jobs and
maybe your mind.
go all the way.
it could mean not eating for 3 or
4 days.
it could mean freezing on a
park bench.
it could mean jail,
it could mean derision,
mockery,
isolation.
isolation is the gift,
all the others are a test of your
endurance, of
how much you really want to
do it.
and you’ll do it
despite rejection and the
worst odds
and it will be better than
anything else
you can imagine.
if you’re going to try,
go all the way.
there is no other feeling like
that.
you will be alone with the
gods
and the nights will flame with
fire.
do it, do it, do it.
do it.
all the way
all the way.
you will ride life straight to
perfect laughter,
it’s the only good fight
there is.
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