If You Walk Across The Dark Side Of The Moon Long Enough, You Come Back To The Light

If you know anything about me, you know I think love is bullshit. Plain and simple. For the past three years I have been fucking my life away. Who needs all that relationship bullshit? Sure, going to bed at night with someone to hold that care about is great. Sure, going out to dinner just to have dinner and not just because you have to go through the whole thing to get your dick wet, is a nice change of pace. Really, who needs that shit?

Well, after three years of woman after woman, drink after drink [for when I had no woman around], I have gotten a taste of love, and God did I miss it.

I didn't just fall back in love with someone, or get a glimpse of the love I could have for someone, I started from the very beginning. That feeling you get like you were guided somewhere, meeting the person by happenstance. The realization that you have a great time with this person. Those developing feelings that we as men never talk about but know something is there. Then, when both people realize that some place, some moment ago, they fell in love with each other and tell each other how they feel. I feels as though someone has taken the deep, dark secret you were keeping from yourself, and replaced it with everything you ever hoped for.

But, if you know anything about me, you know this doesn't have a happy ending.

I am sitting here in El Paso. If I can return to Germany, it would never be long enough to build anything. Our work pulls us apart, and deep down inside, I believe in reality and know that the past few weeks is probably all we will ever have except for the random visits. For once I would like to know where things could go without having to try and plan everything around a timetable of career goals and Army moves. I want to really enjoy falling in love and not having this voice in the back of my head saying, "Don't get use to it." I want to be human, and I know that I can't blame that on my job, and I don't hate my job for those reasons, I just want carefree happiness. Maybe that is just to much to ask for though. Maybe, there is no such thing because, isn't love a lot of work? Maybe I am just lazy.

Whatever I may discover about myself and love in the future doesn't matter though, because right now, I know that every time I close my eyes, I see her, and I tell her, I love you.