Can't Tell Me Nothing

In the wake of my arrest, I reflect upon what led up to the events and think about what will happen. Most would say that the amount and rate I consumed my drinks that night would put me in the same group as those labeled alcoholics; none of those people are in the Army though. I beg to differ as the only reason I drank that much, and drank at such a high rate was because it was there. Take what you can, when you can. Live for today, I say. Not that there is a shortage of alcohol, just that we should all enjoy what is going on in the moment, throw caution out the window and down another glass. The way I see it, you don't know when the next good time will happen; life gives us a lot of burdens. At least with that memory of that one party, or night out drinking with the guys, or whatever it is you look to do for fun, it makes dealing with life a little easier.

Some will ask though, was it worth it? You were arrested, you disappointed your NCOs, you are looking at losing money and rank and time. Hell yes it was worth it! In the end I still have a job, I am still alive and I have a funny story to tell. I once heard that there is no such thing as right or wrong, just the consequences of our actions and dammit, I am willing to accept those consequences even if I don't agree with them. I spent too much time regretting things in my past to let this affect me. No, for now on all I will do is adapt to the ever changing situation that is life. Making plans and trying to do the "right thing" is a waste because you can't control the variables. I can't control the variables. If I walk out of this thing with a slap on the wrist, it is not because I am a good Soldier, because I do the "right thing." It is because I am lucky, and that is all I hope for. Yet, no matter what comes of this you won't be able to persuade my way of thinking, no you can't tell me nothing.

The Price for Bringing Out the Best

I have been lucky enough to have known quite a few of them over the years.
Recently though, boredom has set in and the chase doesn't seem worth the reward anymore.
Another stiff drink; another empty bed.
It's sad actually, because I love to show them all that element inside that makes them so special.
That lets them know they have something that a man is looking for.
That gives them their hope, their confidence back.
While I may get pleasure from it all, it quickly fades.
Another stiff drink; another empty bed.
I want to carry this lifestyle on well into my thirties.
I want to know as many of them as possible and show them why every one of them is unique.
I just can't help but feel as though it is time for me to settle down like my peers.
Find one that I can spend the rest of my life with, start a family, make each other feel complete.
I think about this for a moment and feel empty; I just can't picture her.
Another stiff drink; another empty bed.
So I press on into my mid-twenties.
A deployment to a war zone.
An eight year stint in the military.
A new life as a college freshman.
With many young women looking for a new experience and a mature man.
Looking for someone to show them just how special they really are.
Another stiff drink; another empty bed.

Time in Thought, Utah

I don't hate my job. I mean, yes there are times when it just plain sucks but overall, especially out here in the field with the guys, I like being an Infantryman. What is taking a toll is my writing and I am starting to worry that soon I will lose my talent; have it fade away and be replaced with weapon statistics, battle drills and FM numbers. I fear that in the near future there will be nothing for me but the Army.

My dreams might seem a little big, even may appear to try and mimic a television character, but the truth is I just want to write, mainly I want the time to write. Before coming to Utah I was doing my best to expand a short story I wrote a year ago so that it would be publication ready for the University of Pittsburgh's literary magazine. Looking at my high school transcripts and knowing that I will need to retake the SATs, I decided that being published in the university's magazine would make me a shoe-in, coupled with a strong essay.

Studying at Pitt is mainly just for the experience, plus being a 25 year old freshman who used to be in the infantry will have its perks with the young ladies looking to experience life. By the time I reach college though I want a first draft of "Heaven Ain't Close" to be complete. I want to take my main character over a three novel arch. The second and third novels revolving around Louisiana and the effects of Russ' relationships on my own pursuits. I am sure Afghanistan will provide me with enough material for a fourth novel, whether or not it will follow my protagonist or not, I am not certain.

After graduating from Pitt, I am not sure what I will do. I really don't want to do any conventional jobs but I am afraid that if my talent doesn't grow exponentially, then living off the money from my novels will be impossible and I will be back at the nine to five or worse, be back in the Army. Lucky would be being able to drink and write for the rest of my life with no rush, just taking life at my own pace.

I'm not worried about being famous, I just want to be good and good enough to live comfortably with little work. So for now I press on, training with the guys. If the life of a famous writer is to come I welcome it, it's just that right now it is not meant to be. Right now, it is meant to play out in my dreams. There is too much going on to worry my head about what to do in the years to come.

For a Cold Hearted Bitch, with Love.

How come ugly females think that because they see other women exercising the power of their vagina that they can as well? Why is it that after being dumped, the first thing they believe is that is the guy's loss and automatically believe that they are going to find a hotter guy? Why do they assume that the man is "just a little boy," and that they will find a "real man?" Were you not with the ex because you thought he was a real man? Would you start a relationship with little boy at all, or did you just read this person wrong? Just ponder this for a moment, is there really something wrong with the guy or is it that you are just meeting guys that don't click with you on all the levels of a relationship to where you both fall in love and live happily ever after.

It's 2010. Your relationships will not be like your parent's. For the majority of the population, gone are the times of marrying your high school/college sweetheart. Yes, growing up we all wanted to find our Ross or Rachael, our Corey or Tapanga but it just doesn't work out like it does on television. Your heart has the capacity to love more than one, to heal and love another and is that such a horrible thing? So why be so hateful, so egotistical about our future relationships and sex life? Why not just let go?

Change - A Writing Prompt from October 2009

If I could change one thing about myself, I would change my honesty. I find it easier to be honest with strangers than with myself. I accept too much work and overburden myself. I tell people the truth that we don’t want to hear or know to be true, we just find it not politically correct. This in turn makes me come off as an asshole. A man has no clue about the world because I don’t want to follow the rules. I then get so caught up with all of these petty arguments that I don’t finish any of my work.

If I could change one thing about the world, I would change that what we say to one another. Cut out all the spin and BS that makes up most of our conversations and have us talk honestly to each other. I don’t see anything wrong with telling people what is on your mind so long as it is the truth. We censor ourselves so much that it creates this underlying tension in the smallest of situations. We become paranoid that everyone has a hidden agenda or is trying to hide something from us.

If I were to change then I wouldn’t worry about all this BS that I deal with at work and outside of work. I could focus on my novel and hopefully enough people would read it and realize that there is nothing wrong with telling the people that we interact with, the truth. Or nothing would change and I am just a loon. Who knows, but why are we afraid to find out?