Behind Blue Eyes

It’s pretty evident that I am an asshole. I have a tendency to screw over women. Women that love me, care for me and want nothing else but to be with me. It’s not that I have never loved them, it’s just that it is hard for me to figure out where I belong.

I find myself getting caught up in the moment with dreams of a better life, an honorable life, but I'm not there. I keep telling myself that I am on my way, so close to being a writer, a soldier, yet here I sit, beer in my hand, and some music on my iTunes. All alone in this empty house, this empty town.

I know I want to be happy. Spend my days with the woman I love. Wake up in her arms with nothing to do that day but write and love her. Maybe even go out for some ice cream and head down to the bar for some karaoke, but right now that cannot be.

I still have two years left in the Army and while many would agree that a marriage can work in the military, I don’t want to run the risk of hating the love of my life because of some fuck up or worse, one of my fuck ups. I also have soldiers to care for and while I may not know them yet, I still care for them deeply. They are my responsibility, representing my worth as a leader and I have to put them before all else, even my life.

To most that would sound like a stretch but I am not sitting behind a desk anymore. My job doesn’t revolve around calling up the local news and arranging interviews. It is about closing with the enemy to kill him. The shit is real and I need to take this job a lot seriously than I have before. My life depends on it. Their lives depend on it.

It is a lot of pressure for one man and I doubt that I am ready, but I have to be. No matter what, life moves forward and it doesn’t care if you are ready or not, you just have to do your best with what you got.

I understand that I probably will never get another chance at love, but I have hope that when everything is done and the dust settles, someone up above will look down at me and say, “Alright, this is your last shot. Don’t screw it up.”